I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
