I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
