could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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