so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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