I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
