Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
