YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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