I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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