if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
