I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She even gives head with a lisp.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
