I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
