I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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