$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
