I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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