I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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