I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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