I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
