I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
