do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
