My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
