Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
