I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You don't make any sense
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