You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
