I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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