So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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