Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
