and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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