Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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