dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
