Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just pee around me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
