drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am midnight drunk by noon
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We have started to decorate penises.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
