I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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