If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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