I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
