He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
