not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
