When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
