He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
