seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
