I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
