Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
