When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
