why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
