My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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