my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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