im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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