I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
