The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
