you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
