apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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