1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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