this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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