We won't sleep together?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
