No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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